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"Una mujer que fuma", Richard Diebenkorn

"Una mujer que fuma", Richard Diebenkorn

DULCE L. CHÁVEZ |

Siempre tuve una fantasía: cocer una pechuga de pollo empanizada en una sartén con aceite caliente en una cocina pequeña, con un gorro de estambre tejido y un cigarrillo en la boca. Bien, hoy pude hacerla realidad; cocinar mientras fumo, fumar mientras cocino. La cena a solas no es tan mala, ya me acostumbré a mi soledad. Me pregunto en silencio dónde estuviste la noche anterior y con quién, pero es sólo la pregunta que gira en mi mente una y otra vez; ya conozco la respuesta. Te vi, sí, esta mañana, ibas de la mano de alguien más. No quise ver su rostro directamente, pero sé que se tomaban de la mano. Está bien, no eres de mi propiedad, aunque eso quisiera. Tenemos sexo de vez en cuando y bebemos unas cuantas latas de licor barato, nada en especial.

Después de la cena a solas me refugio en mi habitación, donde el olor a tabaco rancio es característico. Enciendo un cigarrillo más mientras pienso en ti. Ya no quiero desgastarme recordándote a cada rato, mas no puedo evitar sonreír cuando una vaga imagen llega a mi mente mostrándome cómo tuvimos que superar cientos de obstáculos porque pensamos que nuestro amor —yo sigo sin saber cómo llamarlo— era sincero y real. Real, qué bella palabra para describir un amor. Uno que quizá nunca existió. El cigarrillo me consume a mí ahora. La noche es fría.

Te dije que eras el whisky en mi vaso con hielos, eras ese complemento que le hacía falta a mi traumática existencia y, ¿qué obtuve como resultado? Cariño, sí; caricias, besos, abrazos, llamadas nocturnas, mensajes ilimitados, ilusiones, memorias, noches, tardes y mañanas etílicas.

Una persona ebria y egoísta, así te definiste la primera vez. Me advertiste muchas cosas que ahora no recuerdo, no quiero recordar. Pero ¿qué carajos es la vida sin recuerdos?

¿Qué es recordar? ¿Es pensarte de nuevo, una y otra vez? ¡Basta! Me abrumas, tú, tu voz, tus besos, tus abrazos y las palabras dulces que probablemente mentían. Sí que mentía ese par de labios que… no sirve. Toma estas palabras como una queja, una sugerencia, una confesión. El cansancio es más cuando se está enamorado, el alma se desgasta al pensar en el ser amado.

Prefiero la parte fría que me hace pensar mejor, entonces eres como mi dinero en el banco. Sé que está ahí, pero no lo tengo. Eso eres, estás ahí cuando te llamo, cuando quiero sexo o un abrazo y sin embargo, no te tengo, no poseo tu alma, ni siquiera tu menosprecio o tu lástima.

Enciendo un cigarrillo más, he perdido la cuenta aunque, ahora que lo pienso bien, no eres como mi dinero en el banco, eres más bien esa bocanada de humo efímero que se dispersa con el viento de la noche y la lluvia. No has visto la luna últimamente, ¿eh? Bueno, ni yo, pero podría jurar que se burla en silencio de mí.

Lamento decir que, tristemente, ya no puedo pedirte que vengas, no aquí. Mi hogar, mi fuerte, mi modo de defensa es todo lo que me queda. Estás en cada rincón y aún así te escondes descaradamente de mí, te alejas, te burlas. Eres una locura. Eres el whiskey and regret de esa noche.

Me quito las botas cansadas de dar pasos en falso, de tropezar y de humillarse con cada llovizna leve en la ciudad. Esas pobres y sucias botas reflejan los baches que uno pisa de vez en cuando, y no lo digo metafóricamente, es la verdad.

Un riff de guitarra suena, uno poderoso, sucio y distorsionado. No sabes de qué hablo. Atoro mi cigarro entre las cuerdas de la guitarra y continúo tocando. Nada mejor que un blues, o simples notas al aire, o progresiones de acordes menores para disfrazar la melancolía que crece en mi cuerpo desgastado. No he salido de este lugar en días, no he contestado el teléfono ni he leído un jodido poema, me estoy pudriendo en vida y he de admitir que me gusta, lo disfruto.

Te extraño, quiero verte, la desesperación puede más que la razón y los pensamientos fríos. Sólo tú me has hecho saber lo que es la verdadera desesperación, una ansiedad que me implora salir a buscarte, desperdiciar una mañana que puedo pasar en cama hasta encontrarte, verte, besarte, abrazarte, tomarte de la mano, morderte, escupirte, golpearte, insultarte, patearte y matarte. No hay nada en este lugar vacío, has escapado.

—¿Quieres más hielo en tu vaso?

—No, no. Déjalo así.

—Bebamos vodka con jugo de uva.

—Está bien, ya no hay whisky.

—Embriaguémonos juntos y hablemos de historia de México.

—Bueno, parece una buena idea.

—Lo demás es historia…

| RMM | DC |

_________________

Dulce Lechuza. Embriagada alma de novela, traición, arrebato y simpleza, cuerpo libre de mente enjaulada, joven de senos y vagina. Abierta a la ortografía, la gramática, la redacción y la traducción. Sensación libre de juventud.

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